The Complete BTRmanship (apologies to Stephen Potter)
The home of cricket is no more. The BTR oval has gone the way of Burnden Park, Plough Lane and the County Ground, Southampton. But the one thing Campbell's Caravans couldn't buy, the BTR Spirit, lives on. It lives on in everyone who played for BTR, in the new generation of L&F players and in anyone who has ever gone into bat with a pocket full of loose change. Here for the first time is the definitive, practical guide to BTRmanship and to the values and philosophies it embodies.
Pre-match
In a world of active stretching, touch rugby warm ups and club tracksuits the BTRman may feel out of place. However experienced BTRmen have developed a technique to avoid any unnecessary exertions before the match: Simply deduct 5 minutes from the match start time; this is the time you need to consider leaving your house for the ground. Any non-BTRmen in the team may frown upon your 'late' arrival and your chances of selection for future matches will be reduced if the captain is also a non-BTRman. It is therefore advisable to give the impression that you have been delayed for a genuine reason. A tried and trusted method involves driving onto the car park at great speed, getting out of your car whilst it is still moving and rushing to the pavilion carrying a hastily packed kit bag whilst muttering something about 'the wife and kids'. No one will want to enquire about your private life so close to the start of the match and they will assume you have spent the last two hours trying to resolve some major crisis at home. Of course students of BTRmanship will know you have had your feet up watching Football Focus.
Recent academic debate in the field of BTRmanship has centered around when the BTRman actually begins his preparation for the next match. Neo-BTRmanists argue that immediately after the end of a match the BTRman should be securing his place in the team for next week with a series of comments aimed at the captain (eg. "I've always done well against Caton", "Should be a spinners wicket next week if this weather keeps up"). One of the great BTRmen, Brian Allen, indulged in this 'pre-preparation' by organising a lift to away matches or giving a reason for missing nets as many as three weeks before hand.
One of the most important aspects of the BTRman's preparations will be determined by the sub-theory of 'Beermanship'. The true BTRman should aim to spend at least seven hours in the pub on Friday night, with no less than 75% of the total pub hours in the Eagle & Child. The work of Professor N. Q. Mackenzie, from the University of Lostock Hall, on this matter has been well documented. His decision to expunge all matches in which the participants had not had a minimum of 10 pints the night before from the 1995 records set the standard for the current generation of BTRmen. He also noted the importance of distinguishing between 'Beermanship' and the controversial 'Pissedmanship' developed by Edwards, Gill et al. 'Beermanship' also has its part to play on match days. One should study the work of Ingham, Peter ("The Whiskey Settles My Stomach, The Cider Steadies My Nerves", 2001, Stanifield Publishing) and heed his advice to always choose the strongest, most expensive drink available, except on your own round.